Frampton 3rds 5-41 Telephones


Perhaps the lure of the Mall had proven too strong an attraction for many of the ‘Phones usual travelling army, but those that didn’t travel out to Frampton on Saturday, missed a treat, as the boys in Red, White and Blue produced some of the best rugby of the season and lit up an already beautiful sunny afternoon.

Things didn’t start well, when Luke Inman’s Red, White and Blue army were unable to get any pre-match teas, as Frampton’s clubhouse was locked and shuttered, not for the first time in the history of fixtures between the two clubs. Oh the halcyon days, when we regularly knocked them out of the Combination Cup on a Sunday afternoon, and then had to drive back to Stockwood to get a celebratory drink (But boy did we celebrate, when we got “home”).

Matters soon looked up, when we saw that ex-Telephone Phil Salvage was in the opposition line up, a good omen, as he had been ‘Phones man of the match last time we had played the same opposition, and that was despite the fact that he was playing in Frampton colours.

When the game got under way, we made our usual woeful start, and a poor kick by Dean Zipper, making his first appearance on the season put us under pressure close to our own line. “Mental” Matt Stokes guesting for Frampton was through the front of the line out too quickly, but was not spotted by the referee, and helped secure the loose ball and sneak over in the corner, to leave us 0-5 down inside 2 minutes.

Still ‘Phones are used to coming from behind these days (well not Richard “Fatty” Palmer obviously), and the match followed what has become a familiar pattern, as we struggled to get our hands on the ball for 20 minutes, but defended heroically, led by centres Wayne “must get a nickname” Sockett and Ross “High Rise” House, who once more crunched everything that came within range in the midfield.

As e started to secure some possession, “High Rise” started to make some strong runs into the heart of the opposition defence, and from one such run he drew two defenders to put Sean “Hissy Fit” Hobbs in on the overlap, for an unopposed run in. The young Hobbs then taunted the chasing defended in an unacceptable way as he touched down, and there will be a suitable ‘Phones consequence as part of the learning process (I think that I have a tin of ravioli somewhere). Dean Zipper added the extra points and we were ahead, a lead that we were never to lose.

Tom “The Swede” Gustafson, after an enforced rest last week, drove over from close range, and despite running round to make the conversion easier, it appeared that Zipper was wearing someone else’s boots, judging by the poor attempt to add the two points.

Although 1/2 time came with ‘Phones leading 12-5, the match still appeared to be in the balance, and with the half backs, Luke “Jacko” Inman and Dean Zipper both struggling with knee problems, it looked like we could be in for a long 40 minutes.

However, ‘Phones went into over drive from the start, and apart from “Beechy” who did the worse impersonation of Zinzan Brooke you will ever see (here is how it is done “Beechy”, and also receiving a pass that he screamed for, then decided that he couldn’t run 20 metres to score, and stopped dead, turned his back on the opposition and flung a “Pickles” type pass to someone else, the team was magnificent.

Running and supporting the ball carrier meant that despite Frampton’s best defensive attempts, they inevitably ran out of defenders, as wave after wave of ‘Phones attackers came surging at them.

“Must get a nickname” Sockett ran in two tries, while his centre partner “High Rise” House capped a man of the match performance with a long range solo effort.

The other second half five pointers came from “Saddam” Breakey, what a sight he is charging in from 30 metres, and on crossing the whitewash, sweetly turned to look and make sure that Mrs Saddam had been watching his moment of glory…she surely was mate!! He wouldn’t have made it, but for the fitness advice offered by the Chairman the week before, when he ran out of steam in the last 15 minutes (good girl Mrs Saddam).

Dean Zipper also hopped over and somehow managed to kick 2 second half conversions. His experience amongst the youngsters was invaluable.

The boys should be very proud of the performance that they produced, with the result being a bonus. They have set the bar even higher now, and we the Red, White and Blue Army will be looking forward to the trip round the ring road to Kingwood this week with great anticipation.

Quote of the Week:

“Mental” Matt Stokes…”I didn’t want to come home, I wanted to stay over there with them!”

Conversation of the Week:

Mrs Franky comes to the club late on Saturday night after a day in Cabot Circus.

Chair to Mrs Franky…”you never brought any cheese sandwiches with you then Ange?”

Franky…”She only did that once”

Mrs Franky to the Chair…”I only do that when Dave (Butts) asks me to!!”

We now know where Franky is in the food chain in his house…even behind Butts!!!!

Phones Girls in action at Tewksbury


This weeks escapade in Phones girls rugby was played out at Tewkesbury at a GRFU organised Pitch up and Play event. A long old hike up the M5,  at short notice and with a few out sick or injured, three of our girls took up the challenge. They were awarded with a great shot of themselves and all their peers, with he Women’s world cup. Well done to Megan, Regan and Charlotte for representing and thanks to Jane for driving the Minibus and Ian for coaching support.

In other news, we made the Bristol Post again, thanks to the Chair and Scoop for their support !

Phones 10 – 10 Broadplain 2nds


Last Saturday was a blank week for those clubs participating in the RFU Leagues, and having played their Combination Vase match the previous Wednesday, Broad Plain rolled up to Stockwood Lane with a squad substantial in numbers, and enhanced with players who do not normally turn out for Broad Plain 2nds.

Another decent sized crowd was bathed in unseasonal sunshine as the match kicked off, with ‘Phones defending the club house end.

For the third week in a row, ‘Phones were slow out of the blocks and appeared to have their minds elsewhere…whether that was Christmas Shopping at the Mall, or in Beechy’s case the Brunel the night before, it proved a handicap as we struggled to get our hands on the ball, and were forced into another rear guard action.

Ross “High Rise” House nailed everything that came anywhere near him in the centre, and while he had hands that appeared to be covered in Teflon on Saturday, his partner in the midfield, Wayne “Got to Get a Nickname” Socket creamed anything that “High Rise” missed.

The Front Row of “Rhino” Stiddard playing out of position on the Loosehead, Sean “Shag she wanted, Felt she got” Lacey and Jason “all about the” Money were performing heroics at the scrimmage, and were shoving Broad Plain off the ball almost at will.

As Plain were forced on the back foot, we seemed to grow in confidence and realised that there really wasn’t anything to fear from the boys from Bemmy. Unfortunately, as we seemed to be getting on top, “Got to Get a Nickname” Socket threw an interception that left us exposed defensively, and skipper Luke “Jacko” Inman took one for the team, being yellow carded, quite rightly, for tripping the opposition player.

Right on half time, Johnny “BFJ” Hodgson produced the worse kick in the club’s history since the days of Gareth The Boot, from on his own line, and from the resulting scrum, Plain scored from close range to go into the break with a 5-0 lead.

The second half saw ‘Phones take the contest to the visitors from the off, with “High Rise” and Callum “Chipolata Dick” Dicker punching holes through the middle of a weakening defence, while Lewis “Nipple Ring” Noonan seemed to everywhere in attack and defence (if only he would stop drinking Lager, what a player he could be).

Adam “Saddam” Breakey burrowed over from close range, much to the delight of Mrs Saddam who was watching intently (promise!!), and suddenly at 5-5 it was the visitors who were looking in total disarray.

A flowing move, started by a midfield break by “High Rise”, saw the ball moved swiftly through the hands of “Nipple Ring” and Dan “Punching Above his Weight” Smith, to Brad “The Nause” Sherborne on the wing, who slid in at the corner to put us 10-5 ahead.

Unfortunately, a kickable penalty went begging (wouldn’t have happened if he drank Cider…Lewis) and the match remained in the balance, as Plain threw everything into an attempt to square things up.

“Nipple Ring”, filling in at scrum half, and leading the defensive effort, found himself in the bin, for pulling his opposite number into a ruck, and the visitors made their man advantage count right on the final whistle, squeezing in at the corner, the try going unconverted to leave the final score at 10-10.

A good competitive contest, played in a hard but fair manner. We may have been a bit disappointed at failing to clinch a win, but should be proud of the overall performance (pity about the slow start) against a strengthened opposition.

Conversation of the Week:

Chair to Bernie…”are you getting a lift home in the back of Nath’s van again?”

Nath to Bernie…”trouble is I’ve got a long wooden box in there…I don’t want you crawling in and getting comfortable”


Quote of the Week (carried over from the previous week):

Garfield to the Committee…”I don’t know why everyone hates me? I don’t mean to piss people off, it just seems to happen!”

Nice day for it !


Great mornings rugby with the Phones u13 Girls…vs Old Bristolians a 13-4 win for us, against a side that has come on amazingly since we teamed with them at a recent festival. Our girls showed how well they have come on of late with some great loose play and ball handling. Well done both teams, all those who helped out and came to support. Also to Old B’s for being such good hosts.

Thanks to Ian Barwick for this match report…

The Phones U13 girls, again joined by Raigan and Natasha from Cleeve, played in glorious sunshine against Old Bristolians. They stepped up a level from their last match and produced a great all round team performance, clearly thinking about how they were playing as the game went on. The first quarter was competitive with both sides scoring a couple tries while the tackling was a bit too loose. The second quarter saw our girls focus, organising their defensive line with strong tackling from Mae, Teegan, Charlotte and Natasha in the centre of the pitch, and Ceri, Raigan and Megan covering well from wide, stifling Old Bristolians efforts. In attack Charlotte and Natasha ran hard up the middle, which created gaps for Mae and Teegan to break through at pace, taking it in turn to support well and receive a pop pass to go over for a score. Most impressive was the great passing moves from one side of the pitch to the other, allowing Kerry, Raigan and Megan to use their speed out wide, producing several tries.

Due to our increasing domination, the Old Bristolians girls, who to their credit never dropped their heads, were allowed to play with an extra player for the second half of the game, keeping the match competitive. With Phones having no subs our girls had to work hard, supporting each other well in attack and becoming more competitive at the breakdown. A very entertaining match ended in a well deserved victory 13 tries to 4

Aretians 19 – 37 ‘Phones


Having avenged an early season defeat the previous week against Bishopston 2nds, we travelled to Aretians last Saturday, seeking to do the same thing.

The previous defeat had come against a mature and experienced side, who denied us any decent possession with which our younger XV might have been able to hurt them. What’s more, we had to play a number of players out of position, and had played with a lack of self belief.

Due to the recent rain, the match had been moved from the main pitch at Gypsy Patch Lane, but ‘Phones pre-match body language still suggested that we didn’t fancy the battle ahead.

It was a case of Deja Vu in the first 15 minutes, as we were pinned inside our own 22, unable to get any possession with which to relieve the pressure. However, a terrific defensive effort kept the home side to just a single converted try. Although it still looked like being a long afternoon for the ‘Phones.

However, the appearance of the “Saviour” on the touchline seemed to galvanise the team. Somehow, we started to get some go forward ball, and Ross “High Rise” House was blasting big holes in the Aretians defence from his position at centre. By the time the Saviour had returned kitted out, “Hissy Fit” Hobbs had crossed the whitewash twice (there will be consequences for the swallow dive), while Aretians had replied with a try of their own, and we trailed just 10-12.

With the interval upon us, skipper Luke “Jacko” Inman scrambled over in the corner to give us the most unexpected of halftime leads.

The second period was all ‘Phones, with “High Rise” continuing to punch holes up the middle, and keeping Aretians on the back foot, while Josh “Taxi Ride” Rogers produced more fine lineout possession.

Further tries came from Lewis “Little Dick” Dicker with a brace, “High Rise” on a bullocking run that epitomised his game all afternoon, and the Saviour who was put over by the pass of the day from Dan “Punching Above His Weight” Smith.

With the game getting a little fractious, the side had its discipline tested, and it is maybe something that we can work on. Perhaps we can learn something from the Saviour, whose answer was to smash anything that moved, including one sequence where he made four consecutive tackles (not sure where everyone else was), burying the opposition each time!

The small but loyal travelling army enjoyed the sunshine and a terrific come from behind performance by the boys, and hopefully a good training session on Tuesday night, can lead to another fine effort and result on Saturday against our visitors from Broad Plain.

There were a number of candidates for Man of the Match:

“Saddam” who looks much more comfortable at No.8 (finally we can get rid of Beechy), and his better half got the 1/2 time teas in.

“Sausage” who kept his promise to keep the penalties down to single figures.

“High Rise” for his aggressive ball carrying.

But of course it has to go to the “Saviour”.

A Try and a massive tackle count, and well…just for being the “Saviour”.

Conversation of the Week:

The Chair to the Old man…”Course Franky should have been captaining the 2nds today”

Nathan to Old Man Rees…”go and ask Franky why he cancelled the 2nds”

Old Man to Franky…”Why did you cancel the 2nds Franky?”

Franky’s reply…Pretty much unprintable, but he once more spouted on for 10 minutes about how he had only ever played 2 games in the 2nds blah blah blah.

Nathan to the Chair…”If we get Francombe to captain the 2nds, cause that’s all he’s good for now, what we gonna do with Beechy?”

Chair to Nath without hesitation…”He can captain the 3rds!”

Quote of the Week:

Discussing costumes for the trip to the Army v Navy fixture, someone suggested going dresses as characters from Toy Story (thinking of the green soldiers).

Franky to Les “Santa” Sanigar…”You could go as Stinky Pete”.



Don’t be a headcase


The RFU are raising awareness of head injuries in the game with their Headcase campaign. Click on the banner on the right for more details. This is information that could save a player from serious injury. Take some time out to familiarise your self with symptoms and recommendations of concussion and other head trauma.





The 2015 Telephones Tour has now been confirmed. Dates are 24th-28th April 2014. Location Lanzorote. See Nathan for details If you have never been you really should its a blast.

Get behind the Phones


Everyone, we have an away fixture at Aretians this weekend, KO at 2.30pm. Why not get your self a kitchen pass and get up/down to Patchway. I am sure the Chair and his new best friend would be thrilled to see you!  I know the boys would appreciate the support.


#UTP Garfield

BTARFC 17 – 6 Bishopston – Great Game


The Old man reports a great game against Bish this weekend, here is the Chairs report….

Having already played Bish 2nds once this season, in what was an enjoyable and close encounter, hopes were high for another enjoyable afternoon at Stockwood Lane.

By kick off time, the mist had lifted, and on a relatively balmy November afternoon, the ‘Phones faithful were not to be disappointed, unlike those unfortunate souls who had once more made the pilgrimage to Twickers.

Bish 2nds these days field a very youthful 2nds, mainly based around UWE students, but a sign of the times, is that apart from Franky (who was dropped to the 2nds, which was then cancelled) and Beechy who still turns up every week even though not selected, we are ourselves fielding a young (if perhaps not quite fit enough) side ourselves.

We struggled to get our hands on the ball during the early stages of the game, and Bish threatened to run us off our feet with their good off loading game. However, the scrummage went as well in the tight contest as it has in a long time. Consistently shoving the Bish pack back off their own ball, and draining them of energy to get around the field so effectively.

The opening score came from one of many penalties given away by Sausage (I think he forgot that he doesn’t play for Bish any more), but trailing 0-3 the team upped its game, and from a catch and drive close to the line, Beechy surged over from all of 6 inches to put us ahead. Lewis Noonan, fresh from bringing in the sheaths, slotted the extras, and ‘Phones had grabbed a lead they were never to surrender.

Although Bish reduced the arrears to 6-7 with another penalty after the break they rarely threatened our line, and with Callum “Chipolata Dick” Dicker and Ross “High Rise” House making a number of physically intimidating and powerful surges through the middle, it was only a matter of time, before we scored again.

After a number of mauls close to the Bish line, Tom “The Swede” Gustafson took time out from looking for some physical confrontation, to burrow underneath a pile of bodies and secure the second try of the game.

Josh “Taxi” Rogers was ruling the Stockwood airways at the lineout, in a way not seen since the halcyon days of his father Nathan “The Don” Rogers, unfortunately we were unable to capitalise on all the possession and make the game completely safe.

That is until…Kalum “Rhino” Stiddard finally posted his first try in Telephones colours (senior or junior) using great strength to drive over in the corner. Lewis “Little Dick” Dicker’s conversion was much better than his first pathetic effort, but fell just short.

It wasn’t the perfect performance by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a fine and deserved 17-6 win. I would like to see this team perform if they all trained regularly together, and were all available on a more regular basis.

Adam “Saddam” Breakey lifted the curse, of never having appeared on a ‘Phones winning team, thanks to the appearance of R Scott on the wing and for that alone he came close to the man of the match.

However, despite an appalling after match performance with his non-alcoholic pint of shit, this week the award goes to “Rhino” Stiddard. After just a handful of games he is proving to be a solid performer at tighthead….unfortunately, his drinking is about as impressive as the last great No.3 who appeared for the club….Ian “Cuddles” Huntley.

Conversation of the Week:

Karen Hobbs to husband Hobbsy and the Chair…”you two need to have a word with him” (meaning Young Hobbs after his hissy fit earlier on).

Chair…”shit parenting skills that’s the trouble”

Hobbs senior…”Talk to him? I’ll feckin knock him out when we get home”

Chair…”Now you are getting the idea of being a parent Hobbsy!”

The Chair

Excellent post match celebrating too, I have never seem some much regurgitation and poll dancing in one night!


BBC to revive Last of the Summer Wine


In a bold attempt to rejuvenate the faltering Sunday teatime ratings the BBC have announced they are to revive Last of the Summer Wine. The new series has already gone into production as we can see from this photo taken in a secret location somewhere in Stockwood Bristol